Confused Existential or not!

Spot check, birds-eye view, 36000 ft view blah blah blah... you get the picture and you know this is what you wanted, or at least thought you did. Your very own rich green pasture. By some stroke of luck (or what seems like luck) you do actually get it. When you do get it, is when you realize that green indeed is always misleading. That which you always aspired for, is finally yours to keep, but suddenly realization strikes that you never wanted to keep it in the first place. Life is what you make it, they say, so better be wise in the act of making. Disgruntled thoughts these might seem, but they all make volumes of sense if you see where I am coming from, but too bad you wont.

Existence as you know it can be threatened suddenly cause that's not the norm. For every minute of unbridled joy, there could be hours of disturbing inertia. Hours of careless abandon could come hand in hand with systematic sanity. But you have never known sanity, not the one defined for you anyway, so you can come unhinged by that very sacred green pasture you chose for yourself.

If the wisdom of here and now would have come at a less steeper price, how precious would that be? 

If you are here, don't look for meaning. These disgruntled ideas must have poured themselves without any rhyme or reason and here they are. I am trying to comprehend these myself but cannot, so I shall stop here.